What Men Want

The now fabulous ‘Reality Expert‘ says ‘Men want women to be nurturing, supportive and gentle’.

“Ladies we get it…you are more than capable of making your own money, running your own businesses, making your own decisions, and negotiating your own deals. That’s not the question…the question becomes do you really WANT to have to pay your own bills, cut your own grass, take out your own trash and fight all your own fights? If your answer to that question is “yes” then more power to you, but I’m more than willing to bet that most women would not mind having a partner to help share the load with. ….Maybe it’s time men chose we before me and women chose family over feminism!” Blog post, I am Feminist Hear Me Roar

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

When I read the above paragraph from the post I immediately knew where I stood but I couldn’t help but wonder ‘which woman, under what circumstances would rather be woman-all-BY-herself? But then, we all have the potential to be the result of our individual or collective experiences and unfortunately, sometimes that ‘result’ is merely a reaction to a negative rather than a CHOICE. But that’s a talk for another day. Today, I would rather clarify my own position.

So here goes.

As an unattached female, I am certainly capable of making my own money, setting up and running my own business and doing all – and more – mentioned above. I am also wise enough to acknowledge and joyfully embrace my Designer Desires – the desire to share my life in its entirety, from the uttermost to the innermost with another is wired into my DNA. It’s a designer thing! And regardless what anyone says, every living, breathing human being has a Designer Desire because we were all designed to receive love from God and to give love to God. This insatiable hunger finds its manifestation in humanity is various ways – our desire for intimacy, for sex or for some other ‘fulfilment’ – some have tried more shoes, more branded items, faster cars, more money, bigger, better, more. But the hunger is insatiable if God is not the number one choice.

Having said all that, I put my hand up and openly confess that I want to me married – not because I need him to pay the bills or cut the lawn..but please honey, do cut the lawn… but more importantly, I want to share my life with someone, who loves God and who desires above all things to hear God say ‘well done!’ I want to be intimately involved in helping him become all that God designed him to be and for him to willing be that for me. I want to be vulnerable and naked – yet unashamed – to be challenged and buffed and polished. I want to be iron rubbing up against iron. I want to face the challenges of life with someone who is one with me. I want to be there with him in every and any situation, good, bad or ugly – to stand as one in the face of whatever storm we need to face.

So I’m content to be seen as a disappointment in the eyes of the ‘feminist’. I can live with that because beyond individuality, there is the higher call to unity. Singleness has however taught me to see how easily our unfulfilled need for partnership can force us to become hardened, firm, determined, self-reliant and self-preserving. It is therefore understandable how when a man suddenly darkens her doorway her firmly established battlement and highly developed self-protecting instincts often result in the clash of thunder and lightning of the feminist’s strength – and no date, no marriage and continued need of self-reliance!

No! Not for me. I will happily wear the trousers when I need to set up and run my businesses and the like but I have every intention to leave my trousers at the door when I come home. I have no desire to be KING in my home – it’s hard enough just being woman!

Sparks!

Marriage: Who Has Majority Stake?

Is marriage solely for our own enjoyment, benefit, and pleasure? Or could it be that marriage is a crucial component in God’s strategy for reaching the lost with the good news of Jesus?

Who “owns” the institution fo marriage? Are our marriages really “ours” to do whatever we want with: to save, maintain, improve, throw away, and abandon? Or does God possibly have any say in how our marriages end up? What if He does have the majority stake in all marriages, especially Christian ones? Like any other property owned by someone else, if I’m entrusted with the responsibility to care for that property, then it matters what I choose to do or not do with it when it is in my care.” Get Married for Christ’s Sake, Kenny Jackson

Are U Ready
                                                         Are U Ready (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So this is the opening statement of Chapter 1 and I had to stop for a moment.

If God does in fact have majority stake in our marriages, it stands to reason that our preparation should be determined by His purpose for marriage in the first place. And if marriage is something He puts in our care He must ensure that I am ready, capable and responsible enough to be entrusted with it. Les may be right, if I’m still single maybe it is because I’m just not ready for God’s marriage.

Life Challenge:

  • Hold my definition and expectations of marriage up against the Word of God to check whether God and I are singing from the same hymn sheet.

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Is He/She Interested?

Found this article on FB and thought I’d do a self-assessment…dissection? Anyhow, the purple bits will be my take:

  • She tells you. Eventually
  • Pay attention to body language.  If she leans into you, or if she is kind of side ways to you.  If she is leaning into you, she’s interested. Naturally attentive but not necessarily interested in you as a potential ‘beau’… If she is sideways, she is creating distance.  Purse on the table in the restaurant is putting an object between you two, thus causing space.  When dancing, if she is creating arms length space, she isn’t into you. – I’m being my ‘usual’ shy, reserved self. Yes! I said SHY. What?
  • If she is nosy and asks many questions about you, and your life, she is totally into you. – or is intentional about investing her time wisely…hence the investigation…’interest’.
  • You’re not that funny, but she laughs at everything you say.  She is totally into you. – or she is over-stimulated on caffeine (dutch courage) or genuinely doesn’t want you to feel embarrassed that the date is a bum.
  • She always has time for you.  She’s into you. – yeah, or she’s just a naturally kind, patience, longsuffering and caring person. Don’t be pessimistic…she’s into you…
  • She never leaves you hanging, or a call/text message/posting unanswered.  She answers right away.  She’s into you. until you see this message, ‘SERVICE ERROR 305:MESSAGE DELIVERY FAILED. FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED TO YOUR ACCOUNT.’
  • On a date, she twirls her hair, or a necklace, or plays with a button on her blouse, she is into you. – she could be bored or nervous?!
  • She has empathy for you when something goes array, or something bothers you.  She has feelings for you, and wants to show it. – or she has a pastoral anointing and is just naturally a caring, empathic person.
  • She mothers in a small way.  She wants to care for you, and so she is into you. – …sigh…maybe. Nurses care for you.
  • She goes to the restroom a lot on your date.  She is making sure she looks her best for you. – or she is limiting the amount of time she has to sit in front of you…laughing at your jokes. No, I don’t mean to be nasty, I’m being honest. Come on now, don’t leave me standing here on my own!
  • She gives you undivided attention.  No cell calls or texts when with you. – She learnt a long time ago to treat people as you would like to be treated.
  • She compliments you, encourages you, and sends appreciation your way.  She’s into you. – …kind, honest, considerate of other people’s feelings.
  • She bats her eyelashes and smiles a lot.  She’s into you. – that sounds more like it…are those false lashes getting in her eyes? No? She may be into you beau, wooohooo!
  • She seems like she doesn’t want the date to end, she will kind of be blusy when it is time to wrap it up.  She wants to spend more time with you.  She is into you. – There’s nothing interesting on tv at 8:30pm so why not? But it’s quite likely she enjoys being with you…this time round.
  • She finds ways to touch you.  A bump, touching your shirt and complimenting it, talking and touching you as she talks. – gotcha! Woohooo! If she does that to everyone, she could be…a socialTourette’.
  • She asks questions about things you like to do so she can see herself doing those things with you.  Future thinking. – Intentionally assessing how much time to invest. So we have anything in common? Is this worth pursuing?
  • Online.  There aren’t too many of your posts that she doesn’t comment on. -Assessment…curiousity…maybe enchantment.
  • Online.  She goes the extra effort and posts on your wall, or personal blog space. – you could be in for a chance.
CatnipComic070_Colour

CatnipComic070_Colour (Photo credit: Catnip Cat by Jeff Hoyle)

No, this is not about me trying to discourage any lovely folk from believing and/or using these tips. I’m merely pointing out that people are…well, people! We are seldom ‘cookie-cutter-cute’ and seldom do we adhere to set rules of emotional conduct just because there is a statistic in the ether.

My addition to this would be to listen carefully to both the spoken words and the silences. I believe it is unwise to try to fit people into boxes because we then set ourselves up for disappointment. We all know what roses look like but if we were to assume that ALL roses look-alike in their detail and smell alike, we would miss countless varieties of roses on the assumption that ‘we know that one already’.

It is my opinion therefore that you add wisdom, prayer and a pound or two of common sense when trying to assess an individual and even so, it is time alone that will reveal the truth. As much as we all wish God in His infinite wisdom would take ‘counsel’ and hand us a manual for guaranteed success in these matters, the bottom line is we can never really know the heart of anyone. Not by statistics, assessment nor even the things they say.

That’s why it is so important to enter in with both eyes wide open, a heart submitted to God’s wisdom, a willingness to wait, check and double-check and even then employ the wisdom of a multitude of good counsel. You would be amazed how skilled some are at deception until you are almost in too deep.

Selah!

The Church’s Biggest Challenge: Singles?

Lauren says, “I do believe that there should be some place where I, and other singles, can acknowledge the desire for sexual relationships and, in the context of rich church tradition and in the company of older Christians, try to figure out what we can do about it.”

That’s a fair request.

“Seriously, folks, what church do you know that actually talks to teens about why not to sleep around? And then we send these kids off to college and expect them to stay chaste for four years? Even if a church provides minimal help along this line for the high school set—mainly because that is the age range where many people first have sex—church reinforcement dribbles to nothing during the college years. Unfortunately, the 20-24 age bracket has the highest abortion rates in this country.”

…Ouch. She’s got a point.

“Christian singles I talk to considered virginity as a waiting room until God produced the right mate. When that waiting room started to look like permanent lodging, despair set in.”

“And it’s not just the doing without sex. Have you ever noticed how singles never get touched? It’s living in this bubble of no hugs, no physical contact whatsoever. Small wonder so many revert to pets (I have three cuddly cats) and professional massages.”

“Singles struggle through all this alone. The childless ones get mocked at family reunions or treated as though they are still teen-agers. Promiscuous friends who break every biblical rule in the book end up married, with healthy children. God sure didn’t punish them. But he’s not rewarding us. And so, singles see their reasons for abstinence fading as they arrive in their mid-thirties. Women see their fertile years creep down to the single digits. All the old arguments about waiting for God to bring them romance—remember Ann Kiemel’s book I Gave God Time?—don’t ring true anymore.”

These excerpts are from an article, ‘No One Wants to Talk About It‘ by Julia Duin which caused a big stir more than a decade ago. Has the Church succeeded in at least attempting to address these issues?  I don’t by any means put myself forward as a panacea of truth in these matters…hey, I’m unmarried…sigh, but I am willing to have the conversation, facilitate the discussion and try to light a candle or even just a spark. As the article aptly states, the usual clichés do not work, they are not helpful and they are certainly not life-giving.

I would therefore like to invite you, the Church to join me in dissecting this issue to come up with Godly solutions, because God has one…two…an infinite supply of answers to our every woe. So…

Follow me on Twitter or be a friend on FB and let’s get this thing addressed! One can chase a thousand, two ten thousand but all of us? Great things could happen!